How Exaggeration Sabotages Your Relationships

Exaggeration is often used, sometimes habitually, for two reasons. Some individuals use it as a form of emotional self-expression. Other times it is used to manipulate others. In either circumstance, it leaves others feeling deceived, tricked, manipulated, exploited, and abused. While exaggeration may sometimes be successful at achieving some short-term goals, it causes significant damage to relationships. There are ways of achieving the same short-term goals without hurting others in your life. Exaggeration as a Form of Self-Expression Some individuals use exaggeration to emphasize the expression of their feelings to others. The following dialogue is a typical example: Red: Why don’t you pick up your phone? I called you like 10 times yesterday. Rho: You called me 10 times yesterday? Red: I don’t know if it was 10 times, but I kept calling you all day. Rho: I only saw your caller ID come up on my telephone twice. Red: I just know it was more than once. In this example, Red claims to have called Rho 10 times, when they actually only called twice. What Red meant to say was “it felt like I called you 10 times.” After this exchange, Rho is likely to feel lied to. If Rho perceives a pattern where Red routinely exaggerates facts, then Rho will question Red’s credibility. Rho is likely to eventually discount Red’s information, or possibly disregard it altogether. Red can communicate his feelings more effectively to Red if he speaks of them directly. For example, he might have said, “I tried really hard to reach you yesterday, and I was disappointed when I couldn’t get through.” After hearing this expression, Rho is likely to feel that Red is being genuine and perhaps respond affectionately. Exaggeration as a Tool of Manipulation The use of exaggeration to manipulate others is often overtly deceptive. A common example is when it is used for material gain, for instance, exaggerating how many hours it took to complete a task to increase compensation, also known as “padding” a bill. People exaggerate the value of assets in order to get more favorable loans from banks. Some people exaggerate their level of pain or discomfort in order to get to see a medical provider quickly. Another use of exaggeration is to manipulate the behavior of others. For example, telling someone who occasionally interrupts that they “always interrupt” will probably decrease their spontaneous speech. Telling someone who is occasionally late that they are “always late” might make them more punctual for a period of time. When people or institutions become aware that they are being manipulated by exaggeration, which is a form of lying, they often get annoyed. In some cases, they might lash out against you. An employer who finds that an employee or contractor is padding a bill may fire that employee. If they don’t, they will probably carefully scrutinize other invoices. Banks that find that they have made a loan based on exaggerated information might initiate legal charges of fraud. They will likely report this to the credit agencies and damage your credit rating. Individuals are often offended when you exaggerate their interrupting, tardiness, etc. They may also lash out by telling you to mind your own business. They might react defensively and argue your characterization of their behavior. In either case, the relationship, as well as your credibility, is likely to be compromised by these exaggerations. Accomplishing These Goals Without Exaggeration Starting negotiations with honest and direct communication is likely to yield the best results in most situations. If you need more income, let your employer know. Ask if you can negotiate a raise in pay rate or work additional hours. If you do not qualify for the loan you want, ask the banker what you can do to qualify. You can also ask where else you might be able to secure funds. You might not get what you want 100 percent of the time, but you won’t risk losing your job or being prosecuted for fraud. When trying to change someone’s behavior, an honest expression of intent and feelings is more effective than manipulation through exaggeration. For example, if someone interrupts you, ask them nicely to wait until you are finished expressing yourself before they respond. Thank them when they comply. If they need to be reminded, do so gently and appreciatively. This will encourage them to maximize their efforts to not interrupt you in the future. Telling someone who is occasionally late that punctuality is appreciated is more likely to get them to put their effort into being on time than insulting them by exaggerating their undesirable behavior. You can increase the chance of compliance by sharing your feelings directly-for example, “It would mean a lot to me if you could arrive before the party gets started.”.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/my-side-of-the-couch/202511/how-exaggeration-sabotages-your-relationships