Category: general

There’s a particular kind of heartbreak that can feel almost embarrassing to admit out loud. It’s not a breakup, because there was never a relationship to begin with. But it’s also not unrequited love because, technically, there was something there it just wasn’t enough for the two of you to name it. This is the heartbreak of the emotional situationship. It’s a particularly painful one, not because of the loss of a partner, but because of the loss of what could have been. Many of us are familiar with the dynamic: Nothing physical happened, but everything emotional did. Hours of phone calls full of inside jokes. Confiding in each other in ways that would have made any actual partner jealous. Exchanging intimate confessions. And then, without warning, you’re dropped. Hard. You’re ignored and accused of being obsessive when you ask what went wrong. It is complete emotional whiplash, and with that, complete emotional devastation. But naturally, you still wonder why this happened. Were they insecure? A narcissist? Just a jerk? I’ll get to that. But first, I want to talk about the peculiar pain of getting over someone you were never officially dating. Because in many ways, it’s measurably worse. When a real relationship ends, you have closure: a timeline, a series of decisions and a set of conversations. You were dating. Now you aren’t. You can point to who said what, when it fell apart and how the incompatibilities showed up. But when your emotional situationship turns cold, you lose the future you never got to live, the fantasy of your nonexistent life together. What’s left is only the bitter what if, and it’s unrelenting. It convinces you that an alternate universe exists one where it absolutely would have worked out if only you had said the right thing, been a little cooler or ignored the red flags. But the harsh truth is that if someone can go from telling you they’ll never abandon you to leaving you as soon as things get real, then perhaps they actually showed you exactly why it never could have worked. You didn’t lose a life partner. You dodged a bullet. There’s a certain kind of person who loves intensity but hates accountability. They thrive in emotionally intimate pseudo-relationships because these give them all the validation of closeness without any of the responsibility. When you ask more of them, you become a mirror that reflects their inability to commit, and so they force themselves to look away. Their failure to introspect leaves them looking for someone else to blame. That’s when you get dropped, not necessarily because you weren’t good enough, but because they couldn’t handle confronting their inconsistent, hurtful or hypocritical nature. This doesn’t mean that every ex-situationship is a narcissist. Most often, the problem is much simpler, that they enjoyed the person they got to be within your limited dynamic. That can be the hardest part to internalize: The version of them you loved was a curated one. Sometimes the heartbreak comes from reconciling those truths. In turn, the relief can come from realizing you didn’t actually lose a soulmate, but a storyline you started to believe in. The loss of potential is still a loss, but it’s one you can and will recover from. The emotional situationships that slip away hurt because they expose how hopeful we are and how ready we are to believe in someone’s potential. But that hopefulness is also evidence of something beautiful: your own capacity for love. You didn’t lose your chance at it you simply proved your ability to feel deeply. And next time, you get to give those things to someone who meets you with the same depth, not someone who runs from it. If you have questions about sex or relationships that could be discussed in a future column, please submit questions to an anonymous form at Anusha Gupta ’25 MD’29 can be reached at anusha_gupta@brown. edu. Please send responses to this opinion to letters@browndailyherald. com and other op-eds to opinions@browndailyherald. com.