Guest Commentary | Get Over It: What grieving children hear — and why we must do better

There are more than 56, 000 children grieving a parent or sibling in our region, enough to fill Hertz Arena eight times over. “Get over it.” That’s what many grieving children at Valerie’s House tell us they’ve been told by people in their lives. Others hear things like, “It’s been a year,” or “Stop using your loss as an excuse.” The hurtful comments seem endless. But some of the most painful words come from their own peers: “If I were your dad, I would’ve killed myself, too,” or “At least my mom answers me when I talk to her and isn’t dead.” Bullying around grief is heartbreakingly common. Too often, bullies target what they see as a weakness, isolating those who are different, labeling them as “weird” or “less than.” Most grief-related bullying happens at school. While teachers are becoming more grief-informed, many still lack the tools to respond effectively. Some children have shared that when struggling academically after a loss, they were told to “move on” or “stop using your loss as an excuse.” While often well-intentioned, these comments can feel invalidating to a grieving child. November is National Children’s Grief Awareness Month and it’s vital to understand the death of a loved one, especially a parent or sibling, is scientifically proven to change a child’s brain chemistry. Research conducted in 2024 by the American Brain Foundation shows grief and trauma literally change a child’s brain, affecting memory, concentration, and emotional regulation. Compassionate support and connection, however, can help the brain heal and rewire itself and that’s why Valerie’s House plays an integral role in a grieving child’s life Children and teens aren’t the only ones trying to find a new normal after loss. Grieving adults often face misunderstanding, isolation, and sometimes discrimination when returning to work. At Valerie’s House, we’ve met countless widows and widowers who were terminated from their jobs because, after the standard three bereavement days, they were expected to return as the same person they were before their loss. Businesses must continue operating; however, at the same time many employers are not equipped to support bereaved employees. Having job-protected leave after a traumatic loss would mean the employee wouldn’t have to choose between mourning and losing their job. It acknowledges grief as a legitimately disruptive life event affecting performance, mental health, and economic stability. When I first shared my vision for a special place where grieving families could heal together, people would ask, “Does it really happen to that many children?” My answer was (and still is) a resounding yes it happens every day. According to the Childhood Bereavement Estimation Model, 1 in 10 Florida children will experience the death of a parent or sibling by the age of 18. In Southwest Florida, the numbers aren’t improving as we are experiencing the highest recorded numbers of childhood grief our region has ever seen. Although these numbers continue to sadden me, I am not shocked. I was one of those children. In July 1987, when I was 10 years old, my mother died in a car accident on her way to pick up my sister and me from summer camp in Fort Myers. She was a nurse, a loving wife, and a devoted mother. None of us knew when she dropped us off that morning, it would be our last moments together. My family experienced the same confusion that our children at Valerie’s House share today: isolation, and misplaced expectations from those who couldn’t relate with us. Research proves that children experiencing the loss of a parent or sibling are at an increased risk of substance abuse, suicide, and incarceration. Receiving grief support services from places like Valerie’s House, however, mitigates that risk. Since hosting our first group of 20 children in 2016 in a rented space in downtown Fort Myers, to owning our home thanks to hundreds of supporters on land donated by the city of Fort Myers, Valerie’s House has now reached more than 7, 500 individuals in less than 10 years. As we reflect during National Children’s Grief Awareness Month, let us recognize that to truly change outcomes, we must change the conversation around grief. Valerie’s House has created helpful ways to talk to someone who is grieving, tools that we live by and share with the community. We’ve also dedicated our mission to helping train schools, health care workers, and first responders on how to best talk to a child after learning a loved one has died. For example, should a teacher tell the class that a student’s parent has died? We always say: Ask the child first. Always give the child a choice. Valerie’s House is also here to help local employers, such as after an employee dies. One recent request came from a local developer: “We lost an employee of 25 years. How do we support our staff and honor her memory?” Valerie’s House therapists came directly to the workplace and walked the CEO and his team through a group activity which led to honest, healing conversations between staff and leadership. As with everything we do for our community, Valerie’s House training and support groups, no matter where they are held, are at no cost. We’ll come to you, or your team can visit the Valerie’s House Family Is Forever Home in Fort Myers, a space dedicated to community training, open dialogue, and learning how to support those grieving among us. To invite the Valerie’s House team to train your school staff, company, or medical office on how to become grief-informed, contact Kathy Burg, Program Operations Manager, at kathy@valerieshouse. org. In the meantime, for a list of what to say and what not to say when someone is grieving, visit valerieshouse. org. About Valerie’s House: Valerie’s House opened its first location in Fort Myers in January 2016 and has served more than 7, 500 children and their families in Lee, Collier, Charlotte, and Sarasota counties. The not-for-profit organization provides a safe, comfortable place for children to share, grieve and heal together following the death of a close family member. Valerie’s House has three Southwest Florida locations and expanded into northwest Florida in 2021 with a home in downtown Pensacola. Valerie’s House is a United Way partner agency and is fully supported by community donations. For more information on Valerie’s House, or to make a donation, please visit valerieshouse. org. ­ Angela Melvin is the founder and CEO of Valerie’s House, the first organization in Southwest Florida created in 2016 solely to help children grieve the loss of a loved one. A fourth-generation native of Southwest Florida, Angela is a University of Florida graduate and former television reporter. She lost her mother, Valerie, in a car accident in Fort Myers in 1987 at 10 years old. That loss shaped her life and ultimately inspired the mission behind Valerie’s House.
https://www.capecoralbreeze.com/opinion/letters-to-the-editor-guest-opinions/2025/11/21/guest-commentary-get-over-it-what-grieving-children-hear-and-why-we-must-do-better/